Recovering after giving birth: things that I would do if I could turn back time

 

Photo Laura Garcia

Pregnancy, especially the first, can be amazing. You look beautiful, powerful, in a state of grace. You always receive compliments and can have people at your disposal to help you. But after giving birth, many things change. You can experience different feelings simultaneously: happiness, joy, gratitude, and relief but also sadness, extreme tiredness, inadequacy, and more.

I certainly experienced baby blues and maybe even postpartum depression: who knows? The strange thing is that I refused to admit that I needed help, in any way. So I didn't ask, I pretended it was normal to feel like this. My culture still focuses on the positive aspects of being a mother and tends to minimize all the problems: a mother must be happy, that's it.

Being a mother doesn't have the value it deserves nowadays. In many societies, mothers are supposed to go back to work after a certain period and, at the same time, most of them have to take care of the family almost alone, because having external help is quite expensive. 

In this interesting article, written for the New York Times, Lauretta Charlton describes her two-week experience at a postpartum care center, or joriwon, in Seoul. This center is structured like a luxury hotel, in which mothers receive all the support they need after birth, including accommodation, facials, massages, childcare classes, and nurses who watch the babies around the clock. Mothers can stay with the baby whenever and as long as they want but being aware that there is support is priceless because sleep deprivation can have terrible effects on mood. Plus, according to Korean custom, mothers have the opportunity to follow a healthy diet that allows the body to recover completely in 21 days: the amount of time it takes for a woman’s body to heal after childbirth. South Korea is known for the incredibly high cost of raising children and for its low birth rate.  Staying in a joriwon is extremely expensive; only some people can use it. But it summarises all that a mother needs to recover from giving birth. Still in the 50s, in some remote parts of Sardinia, a midwife stayed with the family for one month to care for the mother and the baby. This service was expensive and only wealthy families could afford it. The midwife had accommodation and received payment in kind, which was difficult to estimate. Often when she left the family was almost ruined. At that time, the fact that a mother needs help and support was recognized. On the opposite, in our society, which is thought to be more evolved, a mother is supposed to manage the situation all alone. 

I thought that I would have come back to my previous life after a few weeks but I didn't know how sleep deprivation can cause. I still suffer the effects of this lack of sleep after more than six years. I was lucky because my family was very supportive but I refused their help many times because I didn't want to admit that I needed help. I felt ashamed and guilty because I didn't look like the amazing mothers that I used to see in magazines, TV, and social media: in amazing shape, beautiful, happy, and perfectly in control of the situation.

Of course, hoping that mothers could receive a free stay at a joriwon-like postpartum care center is pure science fiction, but making sure that mothers have all the possible support after giving birth and the first years of their children should be a priority in modern society. They are raising new generations as best as they can after all! Unfortunately, there is still a lot to do to change the situation, first of all giving motherhood and parenting the right value.

Looking back at my postpartum and the first years of motherhood I feel angry because I didn't follow my instincts and I was a prisoner of other people's judgements. If I could turn back time there are a few things that I would change for sure:

• I'd accept all the support that my family would offer.
• I wouldn't give a damn about other people's opinions in any way.
• I wouldn't feel guilty for needing, wanting, and taking more time for myself because a healthy and happy mother is all the babies and children need.

Would you add something more to the list?