Is etiquette the new black?

Interview with Valentina Badini, Italian style and etiquette coach.

Photo courtesy of Valentina Badini

After my pregnancies, I lived in a bubble for several years. I took care of my children at home until they went to the kindergarten. During these years, as many mothers, I almost lost myself. My body, soul, and brain were concentrated on my babies at 100%. I changed a lot, as every mother could testify. I needed to find balance, I needed to redefine my identity. That's when, during the pandemic, I became interested in self-improvement. I started to follow many content creators, especially women, from different countries. These women inspired me enormously in different fields. In particular, I started to be a fan of style and etiquette, a field that is becoming incredibly popular. 

Last spring, I gave myself a gift: I finally booked a style consulting from Valentina Badini, one of the best Italian style and etiquette coaches. She helped me find a personal elegant style, tailored to my extremely active life. Valentina carefully analyzed my lifestyle, daily routine, and wardrobe and helped me find an elegant style that is easy to create, even on a budget. After my inspiring consulting experience with Valentina, I decided to write an article about etiquette and asked her for an interview and here it is!

- Hello Valentina and thanks for this interview. First of all, we are becoming increasingly informal, especially on social media, but how should I address you correctly?

Valentina is okay; thank you. Social media tend to create proximity, even through language, so calling me by my first name is fine. Every context has its language.

 

- In your bio, you wrote that during the pandemic, you decided to change careers and follow one of your biggest passions: etiquette. Do you still remember your “epiphany” moment when you took action and the reasons why? How would you describe it? Why did you make this decision?

Etiquette has always interested me, but it was a minor interest. In my previous career, I approached etiquette to improve my professional skills and better understand the foreign cultures I had to relate to. I worked for a manufacturing company that produces stainless steel cutlery and crockery and was in charge of the export operations management in 41 foreign countries. 

In 2019, feeling at an impasse, I decided to get an opportunity in the wine market. I lost this opportunity because of the post-pandemic economic situation. The company had to face a difficult moment and I lost my job. 

While at home, between lockdowns and restrictions, I took up my interest in etiquette again and started extensively studying it by myself. With a light-hearted and maybe a reckless spirit, I opened an Instagram page (At first I didn’t show my face) and began to share what I was learning. The page started growing and I realized I wanted to see where all this could have taken me. So I specialized at Università La Sapienza, in Rome, with a “Galatei e Buone Maniere” degree. I continued my studies with The English Manner Courses (Etiquette and Protocol Training) and the Luiss Business School courses. With my business background and degree in Linguistic Sciences, I thought empowering verbal communication, cognitive linguistics, public speaking and non-verbal communication (through power dressing and elements of body language) could be extremely important. 

So, I gradually created my services, connecting all these different but complementary aspects. I became a freelance and today I offer business etiquette consulting and online and in-person events focusing on table manners and style (dress code and posture).

- Was it difficult to start your new career?

Yes, extremely difficult. It was emotionally, financially and psychologically difficult. Going from a steady job to a freelance job required many efforts and I also had to change my mindset a lot.

 

- What are the most challenging aspects of your job?

This sense of insecurity, that is, so to say, typical of every start-up, and also the fact of always being present on social media, because it’s through them that I let people know about my job. It’s challenging because, apart from my real job (consulting and courses), I have to create content all the time and sometimes it can be quite tiring. Moreover, I had to learn several new skills: making and editing videos and writing eye-catching social media posts and their design. I also had to learn how to keep Instagram stories interesting for my audience and monitor my content insights, because thanks to their views there’s an increasing possibility to attract new people potentially interested in buying my services. I must be extremely careful about my communication because mistakes and misunderstandings lie in wait. And then, there is the part related to newsletters, the website, etc.

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- What motivates you most?

Doing what I love and seeing the positive transformation of women that require my coaching services. Seeing them satisfied and happy is what motivates me the most.

 

- Why, in your opinion, are style and etiquette courses becoming so popular?

I don’t have this feeling. If we compare it to others, I perceive it still as a niche interest.

 

- Are people becoming more rude?

I have the feeling that people are nowadays so focused on themselves that they don’t take into account the effect of their words on others. This lack of perspective can lead to rude or hurting attitudes. At the same time, and this is evident on social media, general content opinions that are not addressed to a specific person, are perceived as a personal attack and this leads to exaggerated reactions. Science would call it bias, but I believe we should consider it as a result of an increasing trend to focus on one’s self.

 

- As an etiquette expert, you must be in the spotlight most of the time. How can you manage rude comments on your social media?

Sometimes well, sometimes less, and that’s the last straw. Part of what I teach in my business etiquette courses relates to dealing with hate comments and fake reviews professionally and efficiently from a strategic and communicative point of view. Every goal can be reached using a specific communicative mode. 

But the real challenge for everybody, including me, is to put aside the emotional reaction (the one that arrives first) every time and manage the situation with clarity and professionalism. When you expose yourself on social media, rude comments can concern everything: your job, yourself as an individual (according to the idea the user has, and that can be a far cry from how you are), your appearance and more. You need to work on yourself a lot to let hate comments wash over you. 

And don’t forget the worst thing: people who immediately write a negative and/or offensive remark without watching or reading the content until the end. They draw conclusions and start insulting and you don’t even know where to begin to explain they misunderstood. If you verify that the majority understood your content, then the best thing you can do is to laugh it off.

 

 - What are the worst bad habits nowadays?

There are plenty of bad habits. Selective listening, for example, is the habit of not listening to people to understand what they are saying. People don’t seem interested in listening and connecting but draw their own conclusions, which can wear out relationships. 

Being always defensive and ready to argue for every foolishness. Behaving in the same way in public and private, talking aloud in public places (we Italians are unfortunately often a bad example), not being capable of staying decently at the table, and creating a pleasant atmosphere for the people there. Wearing similar outfits for a job interview and going to the beach, claiming: “I do what I want, don’t you dare say what I have to do.”. Clothes are a language that can help or work against us and it would be wiser to remember this concept, it doesn’t mean that we have to renounce our personality, but integrate the two. 

Finally, the lack of critical thinking, the ability to objectively analyse and evaluate, is extremely dangerous. We should always carefully analyze things, take the time and the right approach to nurturing our opinions, study and think more, instead of just following the flow.

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- Which books would you recommend to an etiquette student, in Italian?

“Le regole delle buone maniere” by S. Briatore and “Si fa non si fa” by B. Ronchi della Rocca: they are contemporary etiquette books.

“Signore e signori d’Italia” by G.Turnaturi is also useful for those who want to study and better understand a part of Italian history from the sociological point of view offered by the etiquette rules. For the same reason, I also would suggest some ancient etiquette books such as those written by Matilde Serao, Maria Antonietta Torriani (Marchesa Colombi), and Donna Letizia.

Last, but not least: “Galatei e buone maniere. Quaderno di studi”, by Samuele Briatore, in which you can find several interesting topics and also my contribution with the chapter: “Il salotto nell’Ottocento italiano, il luogo della socialità borghese, delle buone maniere e della padrona di casa” (“The Italian living room, the place of bourgeois society, good manners and the landlady.”)

 

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- What are the most important suggestions that you could give to be an elegant person?

From an outer appearance point of view, I would suggest taking in the dress code rules, choosing the right informal or formal outfit, depending on the occasion, and giving it a personal touch that makes us stand out. Being capable of communicating in the right way through our outfits and body language. All this helps us to make good first impressions and also to devote ourselves to the aesthetics of beauty. 

From a more interior point of view, I would consider being more mindful of others and cultivating interests that can help us become the best version of ourselves, whatever they are. Everybody has talents that can develop and offer to others, and the world positively. There’s a strong need for this, in my opinion. Apart from clichés, this is something that has a double advantage: discover how far we can go doing the best we can and inspire other people during our journey to do the same.

 

Maybe etiquette is not yet "the new black" but if we certainly rediscover good manners and put them into practice, the world will be a better place. Thank you again Valentina for your kindness and the passion you put into your job!

For more content about business etiquette, good manners, style, dress code, and more, follow Valentina Badini's IG profile!